Dear Commo*,
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| Walking, Lots of Walking! |
I wish that I didn't have a nickname for you and that we didn't know each other so well! I wish that we didn't spend so much time together. That we would have remained mere acquaintances - who had simply crossed paths on a few occasions. But I guess after 5 months and counting, we can say that we know each other pretty well; which means that I have earned the right to have a nickname for you!
Let's get one thing clear, I hate you! No really, I hate you! You've interrupted and disturbed every aspect of my life. I'm confronted in ways and with limits that I never thought possible. Truthfully, it feels like you pressed the pause button on my life and accidentally forgot to hit play again. You've forced me to introduce you and your ever present physical, cognitive and emotional symptoms to my family, friends, colleagues, teammates, students - and even "Average Joe" - who almost every day, mistakenly thinks I've had to much to drink!
Your presence in my life is a rollercoaster ride of ups, downs and surprise twists. And it is taking a team of people to put me back together again and help lead me out of this never-ending fog. I'm tired of talking about you. I'm tired of ranking the intensity of your symptoms, managing my gestion d'énergie* and planning when and where I'll take my much needed rests. More than that, I hate that all of these concepts have become my new - albeit temporary - normal.
But through this process, you have helped me to redefine vulnerability and humility, making them a bit less scary to embrace. You've also made them, along with the notions of surrender, gratitude and 1 John 3:18 all the more tangible and present in my life.
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| Surprise! |
As much as I hate you, you have turned the simple statement: "I'm just a phone call away," into: Rides, meals, walks, quick visits, hugs, prayers, post cards from afar, and even round the clock care from a family of 5 and their black cat - who thankfully knew to love me from afar! You've also transformed "I got your back," into a helping arm down a busy street, encouraging words - or jokes - after difficult appointments with the neuro, and reminders that there's no shame in belonging to Team Crier!
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| 2028: Here He Comes! |
Commo, because of you I've had to say "no" to lots. I've had to choose between being alone, yet comfortable, or spend days recovering after choosing to try to feel normal, even if only for a few hours. And yet, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have seen Trent's first steps towards 2028 or grant his wish of celebrating his 6th birthday live! I wouldn't have been able to share a heartfelt visit 2,800 kilometres in the making with a little boy, who 10 years after we first crossed paths has grown into a remarkable young man. And I probably wouldn't have gotten the chance to be part of a weekend reunion that took over 15 years to make happen!
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| Jean-Gab Halfway Point! |
Don't get me wrong, I would rather have learned these lessons and lived these experiences another way. But then again, I seem to learn best by hitting brick walls - or in this case, hitting a Canada Post truck! Commo, let's get one thing clear, this is by no means an invitation to remain friends any longer than we have to. Trust me, I will recover from our friendship, and be myself again, or rather a new version of me. Let's be honest, each experience - good or challenging - shapes us. So it should come as no surprise when I say that I'm not the same person that I was 5 months ago when you first came into my life. So I can't expect to be that person again once you leave! My hope is that once the fog has settled and I learn to stand, then begin the climb back up, the good you've taught me will be the only reminders that I carry into the next season.
Until that day happens, we will continue our hate-gratitude relationship! I will continue to hate your presence in my life; however, I will remain grateful for the supports, the supporters, and the lessons learned during this rebuilding process, as I navigate through the fog and apprend à me tenir debout!*
Love.
* Gestion d'énergie: Energy management / energy expenditure
* Apprend à me tenir debout: Learn to stand again.
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